Ahem.lol
Hey my birthday is in a couple of weeks. So now is as good a time as any to waste an hour a post reminiscing about my life; Namely, the 90’s and how much they absolutely sucked and were simultaneously the best times to be under the age of 18.
So first things first. Here are the top 10 worst things about the 90’s.
-
#10 The phrase “Smell ya later”
Last year my grandmother inexplicably adopted this dated saying thinking it was her gateway phrase to being cool.
-
#9 Laser Pointers
A futuristic way to spice up a bland PowerPoint presentation and a useful device for annoying fellow moviegoers.
-
#8 The name Arsenio
Pretty much every year’s least popular baby name.
-
#7 Guess Jeans and Overalls
Something about that triangle just makes you want to throw up. I do remember being in the fourth grade and, not wanting to rock my overalls to school because I deemed it to be bad for kid fashion, wearing a t-shit over my overalls to hide how uncool I was. – yeah, at my fucked up elementary school, even an eight year-old could be shunned.
-
#6 Captain Planet
Poorly drawn, green-haired eco-hero who looks like clip art. Do I even have to mention the racial undertones scattered throughout this sub-par series?
-
#5 Colored Contact Lenses
Well back then science wasn’t advanced enough to do a really good job of adding a strong pigment to the iris. I can’t even remember how many times I had to tell someone they looked like an idiot with “baby blue” or “hazel brown” eyes that were outlined in dark brown. Also a little sad; Like screaming to everyone, “Hey! I’m not happy with myself.”.
-
#4 Pants with buttons down the side
These fucking gay “light wind” (as if they somehow had a mysterious control over the weather) pants! I had a pair when I was like ten years old and I want literally want to slap my grandmother for making me think they were cool at the time. They literally had buttons from your ass to your ankles down the side of your legs. Unless you’re working for Chippendale’, why put buttons down the side of pants like this!? Who Knows. I’m glad these pants when out of style. If you ever catch someone wearing these, run up behind them, grab their pants and take off running in the opposite direction screaming “You fool! You asked for this!”
-
#3 Fuck it!Fashion in general
Get a DVD of “Beverly Hills 90210“, “All That“, or “ In Living Color” and you’ll see what I mean. It was like everyone was dressed by color blind schizophrenics. The 90’s will also be remembered as the decade where it was considered sexy for women to dress like lumberjacks. I’m pretty sure the only mini skirt I saw in high school was worn by Downtown Julie Brown.
-
#2 Shitty Music

All 4 one. This is a double whammy with Fashion and Music - check the Tommy Hilfiger and the unbuttoned shirts. Tsk Tsk.
I was in a coffee shop the other day, and I was like “hey, I don’t hear these songs ever, but I know I recognize them. Huh. Oh, they’re from high school. Wow, this shit sucks.” Now that I think about it, I know why bars don’t have 90’s nights. Because the music was fucking terrible. Also, the most celebrated band in the decade is only famous because their lead singer killed himself – probably because his music sucked so bad. With hits like “Baby Got back*, “Too legit to quit**”, and “Waterloo Sunset***” it’s clear that this era produced a lot chart-topping bullshit. The irony lies in the fact that I would much rather listen to music from the 90’s than the excruciating racket that gets radio-play in 2010. Honestly, I’d rather listen to a recording of my flatulence than to more of Jim Jones’ “Ballin” or Travis Porter’s “All the Way Turnt up“.
# 1 The Movie Batman & Robin
This was a gay Fantasia. Why are the nipples and the crotch were the most noticeable things on the rubber bat-suits? <—-because it’s the Gay fantasia, but enough gay jokes. Chris O’Donnel was just so bad in this movie.
When you see him, you expect Adam West to dawn the cape and cowl. Throughout the entire movie, Batman and Robin make lowbrow comments saying things only my eight year old brother would laugh at. Overall corny dialogue like “alright, everyone chill”, or “cool party” made me look at acting as a possible fall back career if this detective thing doesn’t work out. George Clooney should have stuck to ER and retired with dignity (although I’m a fan of the his recent “Up in the Air” Film). I’ll tell when it got really lame, when they blow off the doors of the rocket ship, Robin is surfing on the door yelling “cowabunga”. But since it bombed and the newer version with Christian Bale is awesome, that proves there is a god. This 1997 movie was an insult not only to the franchise, but to anyone with anything vaguely resembling an intelligence.
Honorable Mentions
The AIDS scare
- Yes, AIDS was around in the 80’s, and is still here in the 2000’s, but in the 90’s the AIDS scare was such that nobody was having sex
No Internet! [que scary music]
What do people do when they’re looking for cheap plane tickets?
The internet.
What about when people want to know what going on in the world?
The internet.
What do people do when they can’t get sex?
The internet.
How about when all the music on the radio sucks?
The internet.
The internet was basically non-existent in the early 90’s, then was tantalizingly shitty for the rest of the decade. There’s nothing like waiting four minutes for a 100 dpi image of Amy Crow to download. According to my next door neighbor’s computer, Amy Crow was the only naked woman on the internet in 1995. She was not exactly a looker, so much so in fact, that my google search “Amy Crow 90’s internet porn” only produced pictures of Sheryl Crow and Amy Smart. Yes, Amy Crow was/is so ugly the internet is currently denying it ever associated with her. Seriously though, as of now, I don’t think I could imagine life without the internet and it hasn’t been here twenty years. From travel to movies the internet has become a necessity to the American lifestyle. I’m mean who really doesn’t have a Facebook/twitter page? Makes you think, right? We even turn in most of our homework for class via email nowadays. When’s the last time you had to print a hard copy of a paper you wrote? Some college classes actually require that you create a blog. [hint, hint] But honestly, I can remember life before internet and I “can” say that i was much happier<—-but then again I wasn’t even in middle school in 1999.lol So of course I was.
“Dude you gotta get a faster modem” – American Pie
Two fingers
Charlie
*Baby Got Back – song made popular by Sir Mix Alot **Too Legit To Quit – Song made popular by MC Hammer *** Waterloo Sunset – Song made popular by The Kinks all artist highlighted in red are currently working at either Wal-Mart or CVS pharmacy.










conversation went:




Snot